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Reviews for The Magelord's Enslavement
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Tommyknocker posted on March 30, 2009, 01:11:51 PM for chapter #1 Good
Tommyknocker Hi, it's me, Tommy!

Now that I think about it, I've already read part of this somewhere else!
Anyway, I liked how you continued, though it could use a little more...err...details (But that's just because I'm a sucker for fanservice) As an introduction, this first chapter worked very well, and I'll be looking forward for more chapters in the future!

Anyway, there are just two things I think I should warn you about:

1. The colour setting: Light pink on white isn't the wisest choice...I had to highlight the text in order to read it! I suggest you either to get rid of the white “background” or to change the light pink text into a darker colour.

2. Falun: be careful with him! From his description, he risks to get stueish if you're not careful (ex: the fact that he's strong in all gifts, very powerful and mature, heir to the Imperial Throne, etc). He doesn't seem like a Marty Stu at the moment, but with such a background you have to pay attention with what you do with him.

And I that' s all. Good job!
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(guest) posted on February 23, 2009, 07:52:38 PM for chapter #1 Excellent
What an interesting story! Well done!

I enjoyed this first chapter, and it was a real pleasure to read! I loved your characters, and the 'powers' they use are pretty neat and will allow for some interesting 'sparing' later on!

The Prologue was a good idea, and I think I'll use something like it in the future for my own stories (Which tend to get overly technical!). Good job!

By the way, watch what words you use, and make sure they are 'period appropriate!' Nothing can ruin a good immersive Fantasy like seeing something that dosen't belong there. Example: When Sharissa utters, "your genetics are impeccable". Watch out!

By the way, (And I had to learn this too!)Fire is a chemical reaction, not an Element, though ages of fiction and myth argue otherwise.

Have fun with this story! It's great! Keep it going!

Edge ^_^

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Rylan McAllister the story's author responded on February 27, 2009, 11:04:13 PM
Rylan McAllister Ta, much, for the review - I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

Thanks for the tips about words. I think I wondered about 'genetics' when I was writing that portion, but forgot to change it in later edits. (oops)

As for fire being a chemical reaction, I do seem to remember something about that from high school chemistry . . . however, it is the energy generated by and surrounding said reaction which is of interest to my mages, allowing them to manipulate and control it. Hope that makes more sense for you. The world is still under construction in my brain, so everything may not make sense immediately, but I hope I will be able to join everything into a cohesive whole . . . but please feel free to point out if I ever contradict myself.

I've got a fierce bunny attack on a new story, so it may be a little while before I get back to this one, but I hope you will enjoy the future installments. Just a note, the smex is soon to get steamy - so pay attention to the warnings.

Ta, again.
Rylan
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